Using Force Creates More Resistance

When faced with resistance from a child, rather than yelling or saying things like “too bad”, “it’s my way or the highway”, “suck it up” (which reflect outdated behaviourist theories), it’s important to think about WHY you’re being faced with resistance. ⠀⠀

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For young children especially, it’s the adult’s job to find out WHY. Are they tired? Hungry? Are they being asked to do something they find difficult? Are they busy doing something they enjoy? Have they developed a connection with you? It’s bloody hard to figure this out sometimes, and other times you won’t be able to figure it out at all. But dismissing the child’s feelings or using force will only create more resistance. ⠀

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For teachers, if a child hasn’t developed a connection or significant relationship with them, it’s quite typical that they won’t want to do as the teacher asks. If the teacher hasn’t spent time getting to know the child and trying to understand them, the child may not feel connected enough to work with them. ⠀⠀

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Empathy always comes first when faced with resistance, e.g. “I can see you don’t want to do this. You look frustrated. I’d be frustrated too. What do you think we could do to make this easier/more enjoyable?” Brainstorm together. Offer choices. Offer control. If they’re having a particularly bad day, do they really have to do it? I’d be pretty annoyed if I was having a bad day and my partner made me do difficult core strength exercises just because he said so.⠀⠀

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It’s normal for kids to resist. Kids need to know that they can have a say and negotiate with an adult - this leads to a sense of autonomy and control. Constantly being told what to do will wear them down, and often it will wear them down into submission/obedience. ⠀⠀

But do we want children who are obedient and just do as they’re told, or children who feel comfortable expressing how they feel?⠀⠀

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Of course if a child is resisting all tasks all of the time, there could be something bigger going on that needs to be addressed by a professional. And of course sometimes kids just have to do something (e.g. for safety reasons). In these cases, if they don’t want to, empathy at the very least can be disarming.